Emotionally Exhausted

THIS TOP SECTION WAS WRITTEN AT 1:15PM

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Today was a day that Brittany and I will always remember. There are no words to adequately express the suffocating sadness that is overwhelming us right now. Many of you know the "back and forth" that went on in the final days prior to delivery, but yesterday afternoon we were notified that our birth mother had switched hospitals and had given birth to a healthy baby boy. She needed space and time and that is why she had chosen to not have us in the delivery room as the plan had been for the past two months. That night we received another call from her social worker saying that she had her time alone to grieve and has decided to continue on with the adoption plan. Brittany and I were excited and tears of joy streamed down our cheeks; we were going to hold our boy and love on him... finally!

As we drove to the hospital this morning, we received a text from our birth-mom saying that we shouldn't come to the hospital because she still wanted to talk to some people about whether this was truly what she wanted/needed. Obviously our hearts sank, and we wondered how much longer we could experience this intense unknown. A couple hours later we received a call from her social worker; what she told us was gut-wrenching and blindsiding. She explained that our birth-mother was working with another adoption agency from Utah and that there was another family who had flown into Phoenix from Canada to adopt this very same child. Our birth-mother had decided to place the child in temporary foster care while she decided whether to parent or not. Along with that, she informed both the other family and us that if she places him for adoption it will be with an entirely different family all-together.

The news was shocking! Just last night she sent us a picture of him; why would she do that if she was working with another family or did not intend to have us adopt him? Looking back nothing makes any sense to us other than the pain of the loss that we feel. We are headed out of town for a couple of days to grieve with one another. Your prayers and support have meant so much to us throughout this process.

Brittany and I know God has a great plan for our lives and for our family and this is just the beginning of a great journey...

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LITERALLY AT THIS POINT IN WRITING THIS POST (about 1:30pm) WE GOT A CALL FROM OUR AGENCY'S DIRECTOR. THE WRITING BELOW THIS LINE IS AT 11:00PM.

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Our agency's director told us that our birth-mother was having a bit of a change of heart and wanted to speak with us at the hospital if we were still willing to go. After a brief discussion, Brittany and I figured that we were as broken and emotionally spent as we would ever be and that we would always look back and wonder if we stopped the process now. So after only 15 minutes at home, we were headed back to the hospital. Our prayer as we went was that God would be glorified through our actions and words.

What we witnessed upon getting to the hospital will leave an impression on our hearts until the day we die. When we walked into her room, the always strong and resilient woman that we had gotten to know the last two months was at a moment where the depths of her sorrow was incomprehensible. At that moment, any feelings I had of hurt or anger towards her vanished. Even our consideration for the baby became an afterthought. No, at that moment it was all about being there for someone at a moment of grief like I had never witnessed firsthand. The three of us embraced and cried, and cried, and cried.

We spent the rest of the evening in her room and at about 7:30pm we were discharged from the hospital with a baby boy in the backseat! Official papers cannot be signed until Monday at the earliest and our birth-mother is obviously still at a very fragile place. She remains unsure of what her ultimate decision will be. Our emotional approach is that we are foster parents to this baby boy for the time being. We are not placing "our name" on him or referring to him as our son until if/when our birth-mom signs that final step. Whether we have been given this weekend, a week, or a lifetime to love on this child, we are going to make the most of this perfect 7lb blessing the Lord has placed in our home. Every ounce of desire that has been growing inside of us since we started this process almost a year ago is being showered on this stud muffin!

We appreciate you taking the time to read this, and along with wanting to keep all of you (who have been amazingly supportive along the way) informed on the process, putting my thoughts on paper has been a healthy expression of the most unexplainable day of our lives. Emotions were from top to bottom in a matter of minutes. Please continue to pray that our birth-mother would feel comfort and peace, and that her broken-heart would begin to heal as she is walking through this devastation with no support from friends and family to lean on. We will let you know if anything new happens!

J & B

Adoption Update

First off, I want to say THANK YOU for all your faithful prayers & support. I am guessing if you're reading this you have followed the last couple months of our adoption process on facebook. It has been a truly amazing yet emotional time for us. We got matched with Shanae, our possible birthmom, went to several of her doctor appointments, helped her move apartments & tried to be her support during this time in her life. We have grown to love her & her three sons. God definitely brought her into our life & us into hers for a reason, there is no doubt about that.

Yesterday was supposed to be the BIG day. Shanae was scheduled to be induced at 10pm last night with the hope of her delivering this morning. We waited on pins & needles to hear from her all night and nothing...turns out she canceled her induction. We are experiencing a lot of emotions right now & I would be lying to say that none of those emotions are fear and frustration. We got a text from her this morning simply saying that she "is going to wait until he comes on his own & that she needs space and time." That is all we know at this point. We are becoming more aware that anything can change at any second. It seems possible that she is questioning her decision to place her child for adoption.

You all have been a wonderful source of comfort & support for us throughout this process so we felt it necessary to update you all. Please continue to pray, pray & pray. Our prayer throughout this entire process is not that we end up with this child but that God will be glorified & His plan lived out. As hard as it is not knowing what's around the corner we are finding peace in the knowledge that our God is faithful & loving. He knows what's best & we are thankful for that!

We love you guys so much & will try to do a better job at keeping you updated.

Britt & John

All we need is baby Hagensen!

The past few months we've been working on the nursery. It's been a fun way to prepare for parenthood & begin wrapping our head around the fact we'll have a baby soon! Decorating a gender neutral nursery was a lot easier than I thought it would be. I've never been a huge fan of pink walls so that was ruled out early on & we knew we wanted to use all of the baby's stuff for our future kiddos too. I tried to use as many things from my (Britt) nursery when I was a baby. My mom hung on to a handful of decorations, I am glad she did:) The dresser is a replica of the one my mom had growing up so that is extra special to me.

Here it is, baby Hagensen's nursery! We have a few things to add. Our child will have a mattress eventually and his/her face will complete the frames in the room...and the rest of the house for that matter:)

God is growing me in the patience department at the moment!

It's OFFICIAL!

We received the call today from our case worker that we are OFFICIALLY in the match book & ready to adopt! She had to present us to the board of directors at our agency to get the final go & they approved us to be adoptive parents!

Though we were optimistic about getting approved we were still trying to remain cautious. We are thrilled to be done with the paperwork & home study process and now are feeling like everything is really coming together, it's becoming very real to us!

We can't thank you all enough for your thoughts, advice & prayers! You have no idea how much your love & support means to us and will mean to our future kiddos. God has been so faithful to us in this journey and I can't wait to see what He has in store for us next. Since there is a possibility that our lives could change any day now we are trying to be as prepared as possible for a baby. We have most of the basics but there are still some items we will need. We won't be having a shower before the little one arrives but wanted to let you know we are registered at Target & BuyBuyBaby online. We will keep you all posted & will let you know as soon as we get "the call."

We love you, please keep those prayers coming...God hears.

Britt

John's perspective on the adoption so far!

You can view his video post HERE!

Home Study. Check!

We finished our home study process this morning. Our caseworker was at the house for a little over 3 hours. It went really well! We got back our personality test scores and they were so interesting to look at. We had to take them on ourselves & each other. It turns out we know each other pretty well almost scoring perfect on that section. It was fascinating seeing how we rate individually as well. Overall a great way to look into our relationship:)

The next step will be entering the match book. We plan on entering it January 15th if everything goes through ok. We are confident it will. After we are in the match book we will wait for the phone call from our agency with either a birth mom who wants to meet with us to discuss the possibility of setting up an adoption plan or a we could receive a hospital call. Our caseworker also reminded us to let our friends & families aware of our plan to adopt in case they know of a birth mom seeking an adoptive family. God works in mysterious ways!

Please keep us in your prayers as we continue to seek His will & prepare our hearts and home for a little one:) We are so blessed to have all of your support.

-Britt

His will be done.

I'm not sure who all reads this or if I am updating our blog anymore for you than for me (Britt). Since my tummy isn't growing & I'm not fighting off strange cravings I write. I write to remind myself that our child is on their way home. God is preparing our hearts & our home for the addition of one of His children. I couldn't feel more blessed & grateful.

We will have our last home study visit next week on the 15th. They've been going very well. We had a little set back recently, we will be entered in the match book in January not this month due to the amount of time we've been married. They encouraged us to wait until after our 2 year anniversary in hopes of there being no "red flags" when they present us to the agency's board. We have also been in contact with a organization where we are hoping to receive some financial assistance with the large placement fee we will most likely be paying sometime in 2011 when we bring our sweet baby boy or girl home. Of course this requires a lot more paperwork but we are getting pretty good at it by now! God is opening doors, for this we are thankful. As I work on the nursery (yes, I am already nesting:) It's helping us mentally grasp the fact we'll be adopting hopefully sooner than later) I have been thinking about & praying for our birth mother & child. I love them already. This probably sounds strange but it's true. I love our birth mom for the selfless decision she will make & the trust she is going to have in us to hand us the precious child she's been carrying in her belly for 9 months. I don't know the kind of hurt she will face but I pray for God's grace on her. I love our child because of the joy, laughter & memories we will create together. I love our child already because his or her story was carefully constructed by our Creature & we were chosen to be their parents. What a blessing!

I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas! John & I will be having a quiet Christmas at our home just the two of us...and our mutts of course. We are excited about the idea that this may be our last Christmas without any kiddos. Although we love this time in our relationship we are ecstatic to become parents & hope to fill our home with tiny feet and toys soon:)

Thank you for your continued prayer. As always, we seek & ask that His will be done in our lives.

-Brittany